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18 March 2011 @ 09:41 pm
Easy come, easy go, that’s just how you live
Oh, take, take, take it all but you never give
Should’ve known you was trouble from the first kiss
Had you eyes wide open, why were they open?

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
‘Cause what you don’t understand is

I’d catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I’d jump in front of a train for you
You know I’d do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won’t do the same

No, no, no, no

Black, black, black and blue, beat me ‘til I’m numb
Tell the devil said, hey, when you get back to where you’re from
Mad women, bad women, that’s just what you are, yeah
You’ll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, yes, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
‘Cause what you don’t understand is

I’d catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I’d jump in front of a train for ya
You know I’d do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for ya, baby
But you won’t do the same

If my body was on fire
Ooh, you’d watch me burn down in flames
You said you loved me, you’re a liar
‘Cause you never, ever, ever did, baby
But darling, I’d still catch a grenade for ya
Thrown my hand on a blade for ya
I’d jump in front of a train for ya
You know I’d do anything for ya

I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won’t do the same

No, you won’t do the same
You wouldn’t do the same
Ooh, you never do the same
No, no, no, no

If only you knew how true this was i really would've done it and I thought you would've to but now i don't know anymore i know that i would've done anything for you all you would've had to do was ask but i was never given the chance i was shut-down and broken before i could.
And the sad part is that right now i feel like i still would do it all for you.
But i have been assured that i have people there who will help change this and show me a way to work through all this

But i guess this is just my way of saying good bye </3
27 February 2011 @ 06:00 pm

Current Mood: depresseddepressed
23 November 2010 @ 10:59 am
What's your favorite city or town that you've visited? Why do you love it?

My favorite city that i have visited is Camden. I loved my visit to that city and would go back any day if i got the chance as long as i can go with the same person i went with last time. I loved this city because of the great memories i created when i went there. I wouldn't trade those moments for anything, and i would give anything to go back or do it all over again. I hope that i am able to go back with him someday. And have it be sooner rather than later...
Current Mood: blahwishing for that weekend again
23 November 2010 @ 10:56 am
this has been such a hard week. i miss you so much. night time is the hardest time for me. i dream about you leaving me and wake myself up crying. i want to be laying next to you so much. that would help everything if i could do that. i want to go back to the time in camden. that was such a good weekend. we were able to walk around holding hands and be as happy ever. we could randomly stop on the streets to give each other a kiss whenever we wanted. we never had to worry about who saw us or anything. it was great. we could ride on the bus with my head on your shoulder and your arm around me. you would brush the hair from my face and tell me i was beautiful. i miss that. we could sleep next to each other snuggling under the blanket and everything was ok. we were both so happy that weekend. i want to go back to that. we need to go back to that. i couldve stayed in those moments forever. i wish i had. it felt like nothing could go wrong. and nothing did. i was the happiest i had ever been during those few days. lets go back. when we graduate lets leave for camden and never come back. lets go away from everyone and everything. just the two of us. you wanted to know what i wanted for christmas. i want that. i want to go away just the two of us. away from everyone and never come back. well i suppose we can come back just not very soon. it could be my christmas present, birthday present, and any present. it doesnt really matter to me, i just want to go away with you. please..... :'(
Current Mood: sadsad
22 November 2010 @ 01:12 pm
you came to jr ex on friday and that meant so much to me. i was so happy to see you walk through the doors. i thank you for coming. i was able to focus on you as i started my story and everything went fine. i didn't even trip walking. when i began walking into the gym i turned to look at where you were supposed to be sitting. there you were. standing and smiling. i smiled a big smile as i started walking towards the stage. i wanted so badly to run over and hug and show you how excited i was that you came but i didnt. i did like i was supposed to and like i had practiced and walked on the paper towards the chairs. as i got closer to the stairs i could feel my heart starting to race with nervousness of me tripping. then i had to walk up them. the whole way harvey and logan coached me. they told me i could do it and i wouldnt trip. between their coaching and my own coaching i made it up the stairs without tripping once. the time got closer and closer for me to do my speech. i could feel myself starting to get physically sick and i began to dig my nails into the palms of my hands. holden finished his speech and it was my turn. as i stood up i took a deep long breath trying to calm my heart rate. i went to the front of the stage and looked your way. i saw you looking at me and that was all the encouragement i needed. i went through my speech without any flaws. it couldnt have gone any smoother. people began to clap and as i sat down they closed the curtains. i managed to make eye contact with amanda just before the curtain closed and the biggest smile ever came over my face. the curtains were completely closed and i hopped out of my seat ready to see you. i gave all my friends a hug because i had finally made it through without getting sick, and they all assured me you were on your way. i looked down the hall and there you were. walking towards me with a smile on your face. i got my camera and had jesse take our picture. we stood in the hallway and you put your arm around me and pulled me close. i could smell your scent as you pulled me in. i thought to myself that i could stay there forever. we got our picture taken and then we talked for a minute. i made the comment that i wanted to go home. you whispered in my ear and it made me giggle. that comment stayed in my head the rest of the night. jesse said that i had to go back on the stage soon and i told her i would be right there. i didnt want to leave, i just wanted to stay there with you. i continued to post pone going back and kept talking to you. after i had stalled as long as possible i leaned up and gave you a kiss. i told you i loved you and gave you another kiss. then we hugged and parted with one final kiss. from that point on nothing could possible ruin the good mood i was in. as i went back up on stage everyone began asking questions about you and wanted to meet you. i showed them the picture of us so they knew what you looked like. they all said that we looked so cute together and that just made me giggle even more. as the curtains opened i looked at amanda and i had the biggest and stupidest grin on my face. that grin didnt leave my grin all night. as i talked to you later you i said thank you again for coming and told you that it had meant a lot to me. you told me i was amazing. you said that i was beautiful and even sexy hehe. i told you i wished i had gone home with you ;) we decided we were going to make that happen some how, we just werent sure how right now. you said it would be my job to figure it out because im the smart one in the relationship haha. i told you that i may be smart when it comes to books but not when it comes to this. we agreed upon it being up to you to figure out how to make that happen. it will eventually. and when it does, i will be so happy. to be able to lay next to you would make me feel so happy, and i cant wait to be able to do that.

i tried sleeping and couldnt do it until i wrote this down. then i wrote it down and i was able to go to sleep. i dont need a response, i just needed you to know this...
i love you so much you mean the world to me and you are my world you are the first thing i think about in the morning and the last thing i think about at night and you are what i dream about as i sleep i want more than anything in the world to spend the rest of my life with you and i cant wait until i am able to do that when i think about you it makes me so happy my favorite place is in your arms and i wish i could stay there forever i feel so safe when you hold me and i love your taste when we kiss. but most importantly know that i love you and only forever and always and not a day less.

I love you <3
Current Mood: contentcontent
22 November 2010 @ 10:26 am
i cant believe it is snowing outside :)
it makes me so happy :)
i love the snow
i love running in the snow when its just a fluffy snow
even more than running in the rain
it puts me in such a good mood
maybe it will snow like this on wednesday
and then i could have a kiss in the snow instead of the rain
hehe that would make me giddy
snow makes everything seem okay
especially when its the first snow or two of the year
snow is white and fluffy and it looks so pretty
it looks so pretty outside
all the vehicles are becoming covered with snow
and the trees have snow piled on them
the ground has a blanket over the top
a blanket of fresh snow
its just calling my name to go run in it
make patterns in the snow with my footprints
and turn the plain blanket into a pretty patterned blanket
i cant wait to go to lunch and run in the snow
i cant wait to go home and then i can play in it
i love snow :)))

i love you so much and i hope i get my kiss in the snow :) even if it isnt rain
Current Mood: happyhappy
Have you ever closed the door on an opportunity or a relationship in order to open another door, only to realize you made the wrong choice?

I'm sitting in study hall doing absolutely nothing so i'm going to answer this. it's the first one of these i've done, but i figure i'll give it a try.

As far as relationships go, yes i have closed the door on some to open some on others. do i regret shutting those doors? no. not at all. i am very happy with the doors i have opened and the doors i have closed. i don't feel that any of them were a mistake. all current relationships that i have are making me happy and i don't mind that i have ended the relationships i have ended.
18 November 2010 @ 02:31 pm
sitting in study hall again bored out of my mind. the only difference between this one and the last one is that i actually like the people in this one. i get along great with people in this study hall. crystal is one who listens to me ramble on and on about you. she never bores of listening to it and she always wants updates. that makes me happy to be able to talk to someone about you. tyler also is great. he is a great confidence booster. cody is just a down right great friend. actually he is more like my big brother. he took me under his wing as soon as i moved here and i am so thankful for it. it made me kind of feel almost safe and i know i always have a friend at easton with him. harvey is my little brother. we joke with each other and kid and annoy each other to no end sometimes. but we never get mad at each other because we know that neither of us was being serious. and then there's carl. i think i enjoy his company so much because he kind of reminds me of you. first he is a firefighter so if i have questions about that stuff he is always willing to answer. then there is the fact that he knows you so i can also mention your name with him around and he will know who i'm talking about. then there's the fact that he just a great friend and knows how to make me feel better about a grade or something stupid like that.

with all that said, i need to say that you are probably starting to maybe get a little bit jealous because i only mentioned one girl in this. actually i don't even know if you read this but whatever. don't worry anyway. the majority of my study hall is guys and i actually like being friends with guys right now better than the rest of the girls. guys have much less drama and that is what i need right now. i don't need and can't handle a lot of drama dealing with everyone else. my life is already filled with drama and if i had anymore i just might crack.

again, jessica if you're reading this i need you to pay attention to this next part. i don't want you to stop talking to me because of what i just said about drama. i still want you to know that you can still talk to me. in fact i want you to keep talking to me. i need to feel needed right now, and you talking with me about your problems helps that. so don't stop talking to me because i said i don't like drama. believe me, you are not providing  my life with drama i can't handle. it's any new drama beyond this point with other people that i won't be able to handle.

i need to say this because i like saying it and i want to make sure you know, that i love you. with all my heart. and i will never stop. no matter who i meet or what people tell me or anything. i love you and i want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Current Mood: boredbored
18 November 2010 @ 11:51 am
its study hall and i don't have anything to do. boredom is over taking me. i sit here and listen to all the conversations going on. even though the library is supposed to be quiet, i still here everyone as they speak. there is the "jocks" talking about the latest drama. that's all katie and sydney really do during study hall is gossip. then there's the guys who are with them just listening and agreeing. once in awhile i can hear jonah come back with a fight. holden and jacob also will have a comeback and fight a statement they have made. then there's jessica and danielle talking about music of some sort. i dont really know what but they are chit chatting about something. so i really have nothing to do. i have yet to have homework assigned yet, because i had jr ex matinee this morning. so im sitting here just thinking about you. that doesn't bother me. actually i like to think about you. the only problem is that it causes me to miss you even more than i already do. i really do miss you alot. more than you can imagine. i wish i could carry lil' nic around school with me. he helps to comfort me and make me feel better when i'm at home. if i could bring him to school that would help to make me feel better throughout the day. but he has to stay at home. i miss you so much and i wish i could see you. i went to the play yesterday and tried to see you, but our timing and placement was just terrible yesterday. i did get to see you though at youth even if it was only for 20 minutes. but it still felt good. you said that you don't fit in and i'm sorry you feel that. i honestly am not sure i always fit in, but i go because it gives me something to do with people. i hope that you come, especially if that's the only time i'm going to be able to see you. i miss you so much and i will take any time i get to see you. i'm starting to get extremely nervous for tomorrow night. walking in is really making me nervous. my dress is so long even with heels on, i'm not sure i'm going to be able to walk up the stairs without tripping. i only hope that logan and maybe even harvey are ready to catch me when i fall. because there is like a 98% chance of that happening. i need you not to worry though. even though i may take logan's hand as i walk up the stairs, it will be because i have to because i'm going to fall. it won't be because there are any feelings there, trust me. i don't want to do it, i just may have to. so please try and stay in your seat and not to freak. i am also getting quite nervous for when i do the actual speech. i worry about tripping as i move around and i also worry about either messing up the story or forgetting how it goes. it does make me happy that you are going to be there. it will make me feel so much better knowing you are in the audience. i hope that somehow i am able to find out where you are sitting that way i can concentrate on that spot while i do my speech. i also hope that i'm able to see you either before or after. i want to get a picture from you where i didn't the last time i saw you. and just being able to see you would be great. thank you in advance for coming. it means the world to me. and i can't wait until you see me in my dress. i know that you will love it.
Current Mood: apatheticmixed emotions
17 November 2010 @ 11:32 am
i feel as though people are able to see right through me
i feel as though i am invisible and people are looking right past me
i feel as though they aren't seeing me
i feel as though they don't see my "colors"
i feel as though they see me black and
i feel alone and by myself
i feel almost like the black and white they see
i feel as though people have x-ray vision and they don't even see me anymore
i feel myself beginning to confine to myself and not let people see my
i feel myself shutting people out

i need you to help me
i need you to help me open up again
i need to see you again
i need to talk to you again
i need to stop shutting people out
i need you to help begin to do that again
i need to be able to be with you
i need to be able to freely love you
i need to be able to express my love for you without consequences from my parents
i need you i really do

i love the way you make me feel so special
i love your bright sea blue eyes
i love how you always know what im thinking or how i feel
i love how you know even when i don't
i love how it feels when you hold me
i love when you kiss me
i love how it doesnt matter what we are doing as long as were together im happy
i love you

Current Mood: blahWhatever